December 26, 2025
Its Christmas. Everyone is flying. All can relate.
OK, so we can all agree that flying creates its own humor. Because there is a kind of corporate myopia and weird FAA rule making ripe for exploitation. Movies like Airplane! (‘Over Roger, Roger Over’) have shown time and again how easy airplane humor can be. But sometimes, it’s a combination of weird and sad and funny and…well, here you go.
So, we are flying to New York for a weekend and are waiting patiently in line to check our bags. In front of us, a young woman in sweatpants and sweatshirt is struggling with an open suitcase in front of the service agent who exhibits a kind of fierce, ‘you can’t get away with it!’ stare, arms crossed. We wonder…has our frantic passenger confessed to disconnecting the bathroom smoke detector?
No! Worse! Her bag is five pounds overweight!!! The limit on the flight was 50 pounds…it goes up to 70 on some international flights. Just so you know 55 isn’t a flight felony. She didn’t have a cow or her blacksmithing tools in her suitcase. So, the 55 pounds isn’t going to phase the baggage handlers is what I’m struggling to say.
Anyway, she’s trying to get five pounds out of her suitcase and breaking a sweat trying to find it. You know, six t-shirts, her hair dryer, four…
Mind you, the five pounds doesn’t leave the plane. It just goes into her carry-on.
So, here’s the thing…our best guess is the young lady herself weighs 115 pounds.
Meanwhile, behind us in line, is a guy I’m pegging at 270 pounds. He’s wearing a “Bucknell Rugby” t-shirt, his ears look more like badly treated potatoes. Wild red hair sneaking out from underneath the “Titans Rager 2022” baseball hat. It is no competition at all: she and her suitcase…180. He alone…+90 lbs.
Crazy when you think about it.
This got me thinking about how to improve the system.
I’m thinking the airlines could put each of us on a scale, with our luggage. Replace those little aluminum weight platforms with cattle scales.
And then they could set different limits, charge by the pound for overage. Let’s say 300 pounds limit all-in for business class, 250 for those sections with the rumored extra two inches of seat room they call Economy Plus or Business Class Sole Proprietor or whatever. Those seats are good for another $80 for the airline, which seats only offer a fancy name for your extra money.
An aside. I had a friend who was 6’7”, played basketball professionally. He used to be folded up like a human origami, then stuffed into a giant pinata casing and then rolled onto the plane. They’d put him in a whole row of seats and he was still stuffed into them. When we landed, they just broke open the pinata and he bounced out, dazed and confused but at his destination.
Well, it’s a good idea about the weight thing! Our sweatpants-clad friend is good to go. I mean, she could put a brisket, an anvil and her bocce set in her suitcase…no problem! It’s a fair thing!
But here’s where it falls apart…I realized…what do you do when someone breaks the weight limit? You can’t, you know, ask for a body part or some such thing. Although I wouldn’t put it past American Airlines.
“We’re sorry sir. You’ll need to lighten your load here and well…we’ll need…” And the passenger breaks a frantic sweat but the ticket agent is a professional and not prone to emotional outburst…
”Oh, stop it, you big baby. You’ll still have one left…”
So the only thing I could figure out to improve the system was this: If you dent the cattle scale but sit under the limit, and your luggage is under the limit, it has to be opened and available to other passengers to offload their excess.
Sweatpants unloads her make-up cases and palates footwear on the burly beef standing behind me, and then, they square up after they exit the plane.
Seems good! Makes the flight experience more of a good feel-touchy community thing. People helping people. And we’d all hear amazing and heart-warming stories:
“Yes, Bill and I met when I put my hamster and nerf bat in his suitcase at the counter at Newark. That was 16 years ago.”
“Yes, I fell in love with Naomi when I put my (don’t want to gross my readers out so…), when I put my <description deleted> in her dopp bag.”
While I’m on this subject, a few minor observations.
First, if you want to live forever, just stay on airplanes, flying continuously. I know this is counter-intuitive, but here’s your Mensa moment:
In 76 years, I do not know of anyone who died on a plane. It’s as though there is a stroke or heart attack electric boundary around the plane they don’t tell us about, but its true! And if you know of someone who did die on a plane, then ask yourself how many people you knew who died from a finger infection caused by a potato peeler. Matter of fact, fly continuously, a bucket of potatoes at your feet…a true longevity fix!
Another. Guy gets on the plane. He’s got a nasal humidifier stuck in both nostrils. He’s got a neck pillow and a blanket, it is 86 in Atlanta, he’s wearing woolen leggings and one of those funny German hats with a feather stuck in it. And he’s got his…“service dog.” The dog is a wretched creature, snarling and snapping at everyone around him. I do not know what the dog services, perhaps vicious bites and snarls. And worse…the dog moans on the entire flight. Yes, 17 hours to Asia and the dog is moaning on the floor in an audible statement of continuous sorrow. Maybe lamenting his life with his owner.
Flight attendant approaches the animal, she retreats quickly holding a lacerated thumb. I think she was trying to kill the dog…she had an airline meal in her hands.
The only way I think we can police this is to give the owner an IQ test. If the owner’s IQ is higher than the dog’s the dog can come aboard. If lower, the guy rides strapped to the wing to Hong Kong. My guess…wings will be crowded.
But we conclude with this airline insanity, because airlines are almost by definition, crazy:
You cannot bring a goat on a commercial airline flight. Because goats are too large to fit in an under-seat carrier, which is required for animals traveling in the cabin. Also, airlines don’t accept goats as checked baggage in cargo holds – they typically only accept cats, dogs, and sometimes birds or rabbits.
(I wonder if they would allow an albatross with a 12 foot wing span…probably, for a fee)
OK, this makes sense, the goat rule. Regulators and the private sector working hand in glove for us all. And we’re relieved. You wonder…perhaps I’ve been too hard on them? Read this:
Miniature horses are actually recognized as legitimate service animals in some contexts because they can be trained for mobility assistance.
Stupid me, I thought that bringing your horse with you made you less mobile trying to get through JFK, but maybe the horse gallops ahead of you. And then someone will sue over the definition of “miniature.” And before you know it, you’ll have a Budweiser Clydesdale noshing apples in the seat next to to you while he’s leafing through “Martha Stewart’s Homekeeping Handbook.”
Well, you understand when I tell you I have never invested in an airline stock. And also, I’ve spared you the embarrassment of you protesting some yahoo bringing a horse on the plane. I mean, you would be the one they escorted off for creating a disturbance.
See, I don’t have to make things up. Life just comes at me.
Thoughts, questions, or reflections? I’d love to hear them. You can reach me anytime at anthony@workingprofit.com
