July 18, 2025
We need a Rule:
If you need to buy a belt for your pants, which are currently only held up by your hip bones, the Working Profit Foundation will buy one for you. Just send Rylie a request. Whatever, please buy the belt and use it. We just don’t want to see, oh you know what I mean.
We need a Rule:
If you are sitting in a lounge, almost any lounge, and are loud on your cell phone doing your “deal” or whatever rocks your economic boat and you notice people glancing up and you ignore them…They get to stomp your cell phone into small sharp pieces and then vote on what to do with those small sharp pieces. It will not go well for you, so I suggest you take the phone outside when you’re doing your “deal” or whatever.
We need a Rule:
If you shoulder your way onto the elevator, shoving aside children and the elderly and the infirm in order to get in…They make room for you outside on the top of the elevator car. This is if the elevator is going to the top floor in which case, you have time to wonder if you will personally cushion the termination of the car’s journey. If it is not going to the top floor, then they get to suspend you outside beneath the elevator car, ditto, but going to the basement.
We need a Rule:
If you are in a flea market in a poor country, and someone trying to feed his kids is trying to sell you a t-shirt for $10, and you ferociously bargain him down to $5, and then you brag about it over dinner…you are tied securely with a length of rope to whatever vehicle will be transporting you the next day and you have to run to keep up until you reach your destination. If you are on a cruise ship, bring your goggles and snorkel.
We need a Rule:
On their death, the following automatically go to one of Dante’s Circles of Hell, which circle depending on how the rest of their lives were lived:
- The guy who thought up the Hotel Resort Fee
- The group who invented the stronger-than-steel, theft-proof plastic covering small items like chargers and other electronic thingies, so strong it takes a chainsaw to open them up to get to the thingy you plug into the wall.
- The Nobel Prize Winner who invented the 10-inch-tall box containing one ounce of what you were buying, angering you because you passed on the five-inch-tall box which contained eight ounces.
- The brain surgeon who devised the Google pop-up “Log in with your Google Account?” every time you try to open something.
- Any web designer working for a company that makes it more or less impossible to find “Cancel My Account” on their website. I’m voting 9th circle for that one.
We need a Rule:
If on a first date, your date is paying and nice enough to take you to a nice restaurant, and you then order the Beluga Caviar with Dom Perignon and the four pound Lobster for dinner…then you have to go to the Caspian Sea and work on the caviar crew for one month for every Dollar it cost your date. But you get to pick your country, any of which would welcome you:
Iran, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Russia, or Turkmenistan
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