February 20, 2026
This is quite common here in Florida. You spend, say, 25 years living in the blistering heat, with a heaving mass of geriatric neighbors, all fueled with pot and Landshark Ale and Happy Days (we got rid of Happy Hours years ago…no one wanted to stop). Add in the fried food and then, arguing with your husband Stan or your wife Ethel over the briquettes in the grille before the Frobishes arrive with the potato salad to go with the smashburgers…and you can lose your mind.
Especially if your husband keeps buying the two Ketchup, one Mustard, one Relish picnic pack at Costco and then three years later, you have 134 containers of Mustard and 134 containers of relish but no Ketchup. And then he goes and buys another picnic pack.
Here’s proof.
OK, well, Florida has a reputation. Actually, we have many reputations, among them being a hotbed of violence and crime. Miami being the epicenter frequently listed, but Jacksonville is the “murder capital” of Florida. But it is not really in the big leagues. 79 in 2025, and if you removed the crimes of passion and so forth, it’s not really much. You would assume Miami, but in 2023 there were all of 39 murders. And there are millions of people living there. Of course, they did have 120,394 people disappear but that helps keep the murder rate down. As Stalin famously said, “No man, no problem.” If you think about it…every geography has their tastes and preferences.
You may be surprised at all of this, but I can tell you why the rates are so low. It’s because our talent here in the sandy beach state focuses on geriatric crime which has its own, well, its own flavor.
The Daytona Beach Post chronicles all the mayhem. For example, just the other day, a reputed member of a motorcycle gang was arrested in a bar for shooting up an inflated balloon the owner was setting out to prepare for a birthday party. You can Google it; I’m not making this up. Trust me, when it comes to Florida crime, you don’t have to make anything up. Just leave it to the residents.
Turns out murdering a balloon in Florida gets you charged with ‘shooting into an occupied building’, which is a felony. And people think we’re easy going here.
Now, if you’ve got half a brain, you take the ballon outside behind the bar, dispatch it there and claim self-defense as a Stand Your Ground thing. Everyone down here knows that, so the guy really didn’t get any sympathy. Dumb as rocks gets to pound them as a guest of the State, unless condemned to blowing up party balloons as community service (I like that idea, BTW).
Well, another major crime erupted right down the beach in Volusia County.
I won’t keep you in suspense:
Florida pickleball brawler hit opponent in head with paddle, cops say
Daytona Beach News-Journal
Before I fill you in, I would make the comment that everything here is alleged. Nothing has yet been settled. So, we can’t automatically place guilt on Mr. and Mrs. Fiorello. Fiorello being a pseudonym and while ethnically correct (my people) is not factually correct. They are entitled to their day in court before all else. So, “alleged” and “allegedly” is a given. And I changed the name of the club and the other participants to give anonymity, although the newspaper did not. The italicized print is quoted from the paper, all else is mine.
Here we go in God’s Waiting Room:
A heated pickleball match at the Living Will Club on Sunday turned ugly when a Flagler County man hit his opponent with a paddle, cutting him over the left eye, and insulted the man’s wife, court documents show.
Seriously?
Joe Fiorello, 63, of Flagler County, was charged with two counts of battery on a person 65 years of age or older, and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon causing bodily harm, court records show.
In real states, like Wyoming or North Carolina, they have real deadly weapons…shotguns, pistols. Not us…pickleball paddles, plastic straws, conch fritters thrown violently frisbee-style.
He was free on Tuesday on $4,500 bail.
Fiorello’s wife, Mary Fiorello, 51, was charged with battery on a person 65 years of age or older. She was out of jail on $5,000 bail.
How come she has to come up with $500 more than her husband? That’s a head scratcher. I’m thinking $4500 so she doesn’t flee the charge and $500 so she doesn’t flee her husband.
Mary Fiorello did not say much when reached by telephone on Tuesday, Feb. 10.
“I am not speaking to anybody,” Mary Fiorello said referring questions to her lawyer.
She declined to identify her lawyer and said “Have a good day.”
You need to know that Florida leads the country in geriatric protection laws. Probably because that’s all we have here. I’m also thinking that if I’m the reporter, I’d be like, “Oh, no problem at all. Really super sorry to have bothered you. Matter of fact, let’s just keep it between us? OK? Our little secret, hunh? You don’t have to tell Joe or anything…”
Prior to the alleged attack, during a match, Joe Fiorello accused his opponent, Tom Hunter, of stepping into the “kitchen” (coming too close to the net). OK, that’s just pure evil…I polled my neighbors, they unanimously believe Hunter deserved whatever he got (“I just hate it when Gunther does that…”)
After the match ended, Fiorello called Hunter’s wife a vulgar name, and he objected.
No doubt Mr. Fiorello’s opinion was not well received and so, Mr. Hunter evidently took exception. His “objection” is not chronicled, I have my own ideas on that.
Hunter told deputies Fiorello approached him and punched him in the left side of the face
I would think that would have been enough to lodge the objection, but I’d be wrong…
…and then struck him with his paddle, causing significant bleeding. Background: Everyone down here takes blood thinners so we’re all a little skeptical about that one.
Deputies noted in the arrest report that Hunter had a cut over the left eye with visible swelling and blood.
After the paddle strike, Fiorello and Hunter fell to the ground
One presumes not in an embrace of brotherly love…
where Fiorello continued to hit him with a closed fist in the face and neck
the report detailed.
Well, the more the merrier. Rolling around on the ground, throwing punches and paddles just gets some people really worked up, thus, a new participant rushes into the fray:
Hunter’s wife, Linda (Oh Linda, just don’t…), said she ran to her husband, and Fiorello pushed her to the ground.
Mrs. Hunter thus getting a pitch brushback from the animated Mr. Fiorello whom we are finding is some kind of guy, hunh?
Now, Mr. Archer, a new person of interest leaps into action:
Another man, David Archer, reported that there were numerous insults exchanged during the match
Maybe, “You could sue your mother over that face of yours?” Or “You know what? Your wife is cheating on us both.”
and heard Fiorello call the woman a name, according to deputies. He said he saw Fiorello strike the victim with the paddle and tried to pull Fiorello off of him.
What did this Good Samaritan effort earn Mr. Archer from Mr. Fiorello, now clearly warming to his work?
Fiorello punched Archer in the face, causing his nose to bleed profusely, the arrest report detailed.
Woo boy. Joe! Joe! Give it a rest! But evidently, Mrs. Fiorello was highly motivated at this, and the Valkyrie rushed in, hot and hard:
When Archer fell to the ground, Mary Fiorello, 51, ran onto the court, yelled in his face, and punched him, according to the arrest report.
So far, it’s Fiorello’s 2 Archer 0.
I’m thinking maybe not having Fiorello’s over to the house to try my Chicken Parm? Well, everyone evidently became further agitated at this and so:
With the help of Ponce Inlet police, deputies located the Fiorellos at their home and arrested them, the report shows.
Wow.
This made the news in the UK, and the Daily Mail reported that in total, 20 people were involved.
You just never know. Maybe Mr. Hunter is a real twit. You know, eggs everyone on, thinks he’s clever bothering people, carries a whoopie cushion to place on chairs at the pickleball banquet to induce artificial flatulence (pulled that on Mr. Fiorello who is clearly nursing the grudge?).
You just never know and perhaps while you can’t really defend an assault, you might find residents murmuring “About time…” But then again, you have to admire Mr. Hunter standing up for his wife’s honor. And maybe Mr. Archer is on the POA and gave Fiorello real grief about growing peppers in his yard so there is some cause-and-effect going on there…Mr. Archer seems to be a very busy guy, leading with his nose (and chin).
Perhaps Mr. Fiorello and Mrs. have anger management issues. Who knows?
It was a real dust-up to be sure. One has to assume that whoever is found guilty, absent any “priors” the perps will walk with probation and community service and a strong admonition. “OK guys, I want you to all shake hands before you leave my court. Let’s be friends here.”
(I imagine the Daytona Beach reporting of the trial scene…”At that, Mr. Fiorello then punched the Judge and his wife jumped on him and ripped his robes”).
I assume whoever is found guilty will be suspended from the club for by-law violations so the pickleball courts will be less exciting in the future. We’ll let you know once the court has rendered its decision.
Thoughts, questions, or reflections? I’d love to hear them. You can reach me anytime at anthony@workingprofit.com
