August 29, 2025
Riiiing…
“Hello, you have reached Stephen King. Just in case you might think I care what you think, that’s nuts. I’m rich! Thanks for the money and now, you can Press 1 to hear my take on the Republicans. It’s really good. Matter of fact, I don’t even care if you leave a message.” BEEP!
“Good morning: You have reached Robert DiNiro. W[)ejff}cm}d11:LKD{A!!! Trump. S{E)Q#I!!# Trump!” BEEP!
“Good morning. You have reached President Donald Trump. This is the most perfect message and everyone loves it. It is the best. Millions and millions of people have listened to it. Also, some Democrats who as we know are all low IQ individuals. Press 1 if you’d like to buy my CD of the most perfect messages I’ve ever done, press 2 if you want a Melania Doge Coin. Have your credit card ready, we don’t accept crypto.” BEEP!
“Good afternoon. You have reached James Comer. Boy, have we got the goods! Explosive stuff! But I can’t tell you just yet. We’re still investigating. The good news is that we’re finding SO MUCH STUFF, it may take us another five years to complete our work! If you’ve got good stuff, leave a message. Also, on the Biden thing…never mind…uhhh…its OK, let it go.” BEEP!
“Good morning to ‘ya. You have reached Rosie O’Donnell. I’m in Ireland now which I love and out of the United States! What a mess that is! I’m out! If you want to know how I feel about the President, called Robert DiNiro. Me too. Also, Trump is a Nazi. Did I mention that? I just have! (giggles)” BEEP!
“Good morning. You have reached the Peninsula Hotel in New York City. Press 1 for room reservations, press 2 to complain about the $150 price tag on our Sunday brunch. Just be aware that all the chickens that laid the eggs for the scrambled eggs completed one year of therapy before we accepted their eggs and so the eggs are especially good. That’s why they’re so expensive! If you want to complain about the $50 two-cup coffee pot brought to your room, Press 3. Just be aware that the person who delivered it has a PhD in Brain Topography Mapping and those people aren’t cheap to get!” BEEP!
“Good morning. You have reached Hillary Clinton. I’m laying into Bill right now so just leave a message. I’ll be awhile so if you’re in a hurry call someone else.” BEEP!
“Good evening. You have reached Bill Clinton. As soon as the ER lets me leave, I’m going to the Holiday Inn for the night. You can try the switchboard there, otherwise, leave a message.” BEEP!
“Good morning. You have reached Kamala Harris. The need for communication is a real need and needs communication and language to be our reality. Plus, the Romans were great because they were great. They were also awesome. I’m here, just…” BEEP!
“Good morning. You have reached Alec Baldwin. You know what? Never mind. I just don’t care. I’m into my own jam here.” CLICK!
“Hello, you have reached JD Vance. Oh man, I’m so close! If you got a check in your hand, Press 1. If you don’t then hang up. But whatever, vote! And vote for me! And vote often!” BEEP!
“Good morning. You have reached Governor Gavin Newsom. I’m currently unavailable, having lunch at the French Laundry. Not that I want you to pass that onto people. You know? If you’re my hair guy, Press 1. If you’re calling for Kamala Harris, press the square root of the reciprocal of 10 to the 3rd power. If you’re calling for Pete Buttigeg, tell him it’s a waste of time. It ain’t gonna happen Pete. I’m on a roll. Otherwise…” BEEP!
“Hello! You have reached Zohran Mamdani, the next mayor of New York City. Just so you know, this voicemail box is free and if you leave a message, it will be free also. See, what I did was I pried some money out of AT&T in Midtown to pay for all of this. So, it would be free! Worked so well, I’m going to see if I can get you FREE CELL SERVICE. I mean, it will be free. How cool is that? If you like free stuff, leave a message. If you don’t, we’ve got your number and we’ll be calling you. Maybe you’d like to put some money into our FREE services!” BEEP!
“Good morning. You have reached the headquarters of Cracker Barrel Old Country Store. So, we’re sorry. We did the logo thing very carefully. Our marketing department concluded that in order to monetize our brand to a new generation of guests, we would need to redefine our public presence, to embrace a more forward-thinking and multi-generational marketing upsell and integrate that with a fresh look to encompass today’s more demanding consumer. Turns out, people liked what we had and didn’t want us to change it. We had no idea…we don’t talk to our customers so how would we know? If you’ve got a new idea for our advertising department, just leave us alone. We’re not into new for a while. If you’ve got a message for our marketing department, it doesn’t exist any longer, so nothing to see there.” CLICK
Thoughts, questions, or reflections? I’d love to hear them. You can reach me anytime at anthony@workingprofit.com
