September 5, 2025
OK, so we all have our pet peeves. I have any number of them.
Like, people whose conversational style is a kind of rat-a-tat-tat of personal commentary which, like popcorn, offers a lot of energy to consume but is comprised entirely of empty calories. I mean it in the sense that once you engage them in conversation, you most instantly regret it. You just know it’s not going to be fun. To me, good conversation is perhaps like a friendly tennis match. You hit the ball back and forth. Back and forth, back and forth. Expresses the enjoyable and helpful nature of it. Banter is not a one-way street!
It’s when people destroy the conversational tennis metaphor that I have the problem. They have a racket and the ball, and I’m there to be the wall they keep hitting the ball against. They’re playing, I’m forced to sit in dumb silence while they wang their conversational ball on me, relentlessly.
I love the old saying which encapsulates it:
” OK, enough about me, now what do you think about me?”
Many techniques are used. Example: The question that is really just a prelude to them wanting to unload their views.
“Hey, what do you think about the market?” And I’d say something non-committal… “Well, it’s been interesting.” And then…the deadly response:
“I know what you mean! But I had a very strong view of XYZ, and I hit it hard. Boy was that a good move (chuckles…men especially love to chuckle about their profits)! I think the same thing is coming up when ZZZ reports next week, so I’m…”
At this point, my eyes have glazed over, I’m gulping gin, I’m lost. He doesn’t notice.
I mean, my clients were paying for my opinion, and I didn’t feel very good giving it away for free. To be clear, my opinion might have been worth zero, but why tell everyone that? Let ‘em guess, I say. I imagined one of my clients inadvertently overhearing me chest thumping markets at the bar and saying, “Hey? About my fee?”
Or the general drone where they move easily from subject to subject in a kind of Freudian free-thinking, rolling exercise. That one is tough. Just when you think you’re off the hook, that you’ll have a chance to talk too, they pull the football…
“So I said to my wife, I don’t know. I mean I thought he over charged me for the oil change, but you know how that goes! It’s like my laptop. I have an HP, but I don’t really care for the…”
Me with despair written on my face. How am I going to escape? Not missing a beat:
“…so, I took the laptop to my repair guy and he and I, it turns out, both like the Lions! Who knew. I mean….”
I’ve tried to live a good life. Why am I punished like this?
Well, some people don’t get out enough, some have spouses who are just over it and don’t listen to them. But this can all be fixed. Here are some ideas for your next conversational experience.
Ask people about themselves. Everyone likes to talk about themselves (me most of all) but more, people are flattered when you do so. “So, tell me where were you born and do you go back there very often?” Their school, their family, their hobbies…” What do you like to do in your free time?” And if they abuse that by not asking you things in return, or opening it up to your comments, fake dizziness and leave.
I sincerely enjoy hearing people’s stories. People can be very engaging, and you learn a lot from them. And in this way, you find commonalities of interest. That helps move the relationship along.
To escape, just say, “You have to excuse me for a couple of minutes, I have to say hello to someone.” Something, anything. Or “You know what?” I’m old, I don’t have a lot of time left. Bye!” (beauty queen hand wave as you leave). OK OK I’m kidding. But my wife will tell you I have come very, very close to that one.
Don’t talk about politics or religion, or sexual identity or any number of third rail subjects guaranteed to go south. Let’s face it. People are pretty much dug in on their opinions. Neither you nor I are going to be able to change them, nor will they change us. I will confess that I can be moved, but more in the nature of slanted or nudged than a complete disavowal. I think that’s about as far as people are generally willing to move. I sometimes break this rule, I’m an offender, and I almost always regret doing so and promise myself not to break it again. I can say it never cost me a friendship, but why tempt that?
Involve others. You’re in a group of three or four people. One remains silent through the conversation. Maybe they’re shy, maybe they don’t have anything to say. But it doesn’t hurt to say, “Hey Bill, you ever do that?” or whatever. See if you draw them out. It’s a decent and nice thing to do.
When you find yourself bored and ready to leave…leave! The only other choice for those moments is to change the subject. And you just have to barge in and do it. “OK, I get it. Let’s move along. The other day…” And then you control the move off the subject. If the speaker can’t relent, you’re not really risking anything. I mean, if they decide you’re mean and they don’t want to talk to you, problem solved.
Finally, try your best to remember names, but don’t be embarrassed when you don’t…everyone has that problem. “OK, I’m embarrassed that I can’t remember your name. Can you tell me again?” If they are insulted, you can take your leave. Almost inevitably, they will say something like, “I know! Happens to me all the time!” And they give you their name, and you can do an ‘aw shucks’ finger snap…” Otto! How could I forget that! Otto Palindrome! Sorry!”
For many centuries, conversation was considered an art. People didn’t have an NFL game on a screen to distract them from the people they were with. They learned courtesy, the ability to go back and forth, to really engage with people as opposed to swatting at them with a verbal pickleball paddle.
Some things are worth copying.
Thoughts, questions, or reflections? I’d love to hear them. You can reach me anytime at anthony@workingprofit.com
